I belong to several family support
groups online. Occasionally, while visiting these
groups, I read posts that are very powerful and that I think would be
helpful for others to read. Today, I am sharing with permission posts from two moms
who have lost their sons to addiction. They have what none of us want –
perspective on life with a child struggling with addiction, after their death. What
they have to say is so important and heartfelt.
Thiis first
post is from a mother who was leaving one of the support groups. She explains
why.
“Hi, I have
to leave this group. It’s too much for me right now. I am so sorry. I know it’s
your safe place to vent but the posts hurt me more than they help me. It is not
judgement, I have been in your shoes and I remember the hurt, and the anger and
all those things that seemed so important.
But my son
lost his fight to addiction and in one single moment for me it all changed. You
see I would give my life to say my son was anywhere, in prison, in detox, in
treatment, on the streets or passed out in his room. I would give every last
possession I have if his stealing it would mean he was still here. I would give
anything to hear his voice or see his smile for one more second - drunk, high
or sober. I would give anything to worry, to pace the floors, to wonder where
he was, who he was with and if he was using. I would do anything.
I wish I
listened more and dictated less, especially when he talked about suicide. I
wish that we had celebrated his life while he was here instead of after he was
gone. That we had celebrated who he was underneath the drugs and alcohol
instead of just condemning the choices his disease made.
And so,
because I know your struggle and how important a safe place for you to vent is
and because my heart cannot take being here anymore, it is with love and
gratitude that I must say thank you but good bye. I wish you all the best and
you will be in my thoughts and prayers.”
Below,
another mother writes about why it is important to always show love to your
child who is struggling with addiction:
"I was
asked to write my own post on this topic and so I will. It's something that is
dear to my heart because of what I am currently living through.
My son Matthew struggled with
addiction for over 11 years. It was a roller coaster ride as I'm sure everyone
can understand and relate to. In many ways, I was lucky because, though we had
many difficult times, Matt and I remained fairly close. He never stole from me,
though he did take advantage and manipulate me. He
loved his family.
I won't
take you through the whole story, you all know it, you all live it every day.
The important part is this. In Matt's final couple of years I received a lot of
pressure to "let him go", "cut off communication", etc.
etc. This was something I was just not capable of. I had long since stopped
giving him money. But I was the wrong person to tell not to feed her child or
let him come over and shower. We kept up our relationship. He had burned his
bridges with so many people, lost friends etc. But he knew I loved him. He
called one night tearful, "Mom I feel like you're my best friend".
Can your heart break and sing at the same time? He knew I was going to tell him
the truth. He knew what I thought of some of his behavior but he also knew
there was no way I would let his behavior keep me from loving him.
As you
may have figured out by now Matthew died on 5/19/13 of an overdose of fentanyl
and alcohol. He was in a sober living house (so much for that). Two weeks
before he died I had made a whole bunch of food and brought it out to the
house, lasagne, a roasted chicken, potatoes, gravy and peas from the garden. Homemade
salsa and chips, muffins etc. I can still see the huge grin on his face and
feel his hug when he saw all that food. Two weeks to the day later, he called
in the evening. Nothing important, he sounded good. We chatted briefly, laughed
and then I told him, 'love you' and he replied, 'love you too'. Five or six
hours later he was gone.
My
point is don't take for granted that you have more time to make things right.
Make it right now if it's at all possible. Even if they are not speaking to
you, text them and tell them you love them. Offer to meet them and buy them
lunch. Make them a sandwich. Show them how glad you are they were born.
I'm not
judging what anyone else does. We all do the best we can and make our decisions
based on what is best for ourselves and our families. I'm just asking, pleading
with you, don't put love off. Don't put it on the back burner thinking you have
time to make things right, you may not have time after all. And even if they
don't respond, you will know you tried. God bless all of the beautiful mothers
on this site. Love and hugs to everyone. MaryBeth Murtha"
God bless all of the mothers
who are grieving the permanent loss of a child, and those who are grieving the loss
of a child who is still alive but no longer the person they once knew. Please
always remember that where there is life there is hope. Continue to show love and never, ever give up!
Sincerely,
Rose
