Tuesday 12 November 2013

"Mom, I have no place to go" - Follow Up



My last blog post “Mom, I have no place to go” was heartbreaking to write. It forced me to relive a time that was very painful for our family. It was early on in our journey through addiction. While I was choked up the whole time that I was writing it, I felt it was important to share it with you because it demonstrates the pain that parents and their children go through when dealing with addiction. It is not easy.

At that point in time, we had already tried to get our son to want help but he didn’t seem ready. His drug use hadn’t taken too much of a toll yet, although he was doing it every day and it was hurting him, it just wasn’t enough to make him want to quit.

Many of the experts say that you have to use tough love on them because that is the only way that they will ever want help. If you make it easy and comfortable for them to use drugs, you are enabling them. You are allowing the disease to thrive. We also heard from many people in recovery who credit their parents’ tough love with helping them to get clean. We wanted our son in recovery also, and didn’t want the disease to escalate, so we used tough love that night. After a long painful night of crying and worrying, we knew that we could not do that again.

As our journey through addiction continued, I learned all that I could about the disease. I wanted to understand what had a grip on our son and how we could get him back from the demon. When I began to understand the nature of the disease – a brain disease that takes control of lives – the tough love theory became even more confusing.  They are sick and not in control so how can we expect them to make wise decisions? Will tough love beat the demon or will an outpouring of love, support and encouragement?

With this new knowledge and following our instincts, we did things differently when faced with this situation again. The new strategy was a relief to all of us. Our son could stay home until he found another place to go, but he had to follow our rules, which included getting out of bed early and doing chores. If he wanted to work on getting off drugs, he wouldn’t have to leave at all.

We could make this decision because our son is a calm, gentle person. He is not hostile or abusive toward any of us when he is using drugs. We were not putting our other children, ourselves, or our pets in harm’s way. Having him there also gave us an opportunity to “love him up” and encourage him to get help.

I would never tell a parent what to do in this type of situation nor do I judge the decisions they make. Every family, individual, and situation is unique. One size does not fit all in anything in life, most especially in this crazy world of addiction. Through my blog, I share our journey, which is ever evolving. We learn as we go along and sometimes, like in this situation, we change our strategies until we find what works.

What I do know for sure is that some people got clean because of their parent’s tough love while others got clean because their parents kept them close. There are no concrete answers to this. I pray that you find what works best for your family when faced with tough situations. Reach out to other families going through it. Only they can truly understand what you are dealing with.

Sincerely,
Rose

8 comments:

  1. Great advice that I have heard somewhere before..Oh yes..from you !! In fact my blog post this morning mentioned your advice,friendship and how lucky I am to have you in my crazy life..huggggs

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    1. Likewise, my friend. You are one of the blessings that came out of this journey. xo

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  2. I have two addicted children who are both in recovery and are doing remarkably well. Many of their friends are also addicts. From the moment that we found out that our children were addicted, we put their safety as a priority when it came to making decisions. We have never asked our children to leave and I really feel that knowing that they wouldn't be kicked out gave my kids the courage to ask for help. However, many of my kids friends' parents have not taken that approach and I have seen their children be kicked right into the arms of the very people that you would never want your kids to be near. They were taken advantage off and their addictions worsened. I don't think that a child should ever be removed from a home and put in a position of having to survive on the streets. It is simply not safe and doesn't achieve anything but strengthening their ties to drug dealers as often kids are forced to sell in order to survive. "Tough love" can take place at home through structure, rules and accountability. My kids tell me that they were able to get clean because they didn't have to worry like some of their friends and were able to focus on getting clean.

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    1. So happy to hear that both of your children are in recovery. That is wonderful, and will be very inspiring to many who are still fighting to get their children back from the grips of addiction. I know that it worked better for us to keep our son close but every situation is unique (violence, for instance). I am so glad that I started this blog so parents can get many points of view and hear many experiences. The "tough love" message is very prevalent. Your story and others will show them that there are other options when possible. Our son is 4 weeks into his recovery. Still early on but we are grateful to see him doing well! Thank you for your comment! Please keep coming back. You have a lot to offer.

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  3. I be been struggling with addictions since I was 14 I'm now 28 if I had the love support and encouragement mentioned in this story it would help me for sure, my mom tried the tough love gig kinda,friends parents the same those ppl got worse not better for the most part, committing crimes, prostitution homelessness jail time cuz the addiction was just that strong...but every case is different

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Krista. It is a crazy time for parents. It is so hard to know what to do. I pray that you find the help that you need to overcome your addiction. It will take a lot of work and courage but you can do it. There are many people in recovery. Please don't feel that you can't get there because I know you can. Addiction is strong, for sure, but it can be overcome. I will pray that you find the strength to overcome this. Take care.

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  4. Krista you can do this...Do it for yourself...The addiction is strong..but you can be stronger...You obviously are a fighter,Your words tell me this..keep on fighting for yourself..and we as Parents will keep on fighting for better treatment..huggs

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