I received
this thoughtful and touching email from Dr. Denise Lea who was my son’s
doctor at Addictions Services before she moved away. I was thrilled to hear
from her. She is someone that I really respect, both professionally and
personally. I think her message will mean a lot to the parents on this journey so
I asked for permission to share it with you...
Dear Rose,
I just read your poem about the
beautiful gift of your son’s recovery, which is indeed beautiful, and
sensitive, and I'm so happy for you. I know how long of a haul it has
been for you.
I always say
that I learn a lot from my clients, and what I really learned from you and your
son was that loving, committed parenting does not necessarily protect young
people from addiction risk. You were brave and communicative enough to be
able to show that to me, and I am glad I had an open enough mind to see it.
There are
many good parents who are severely “afflicted" by the stigma of addiction.
The way the disease affects them is by making them feel like they did not
do an adequate job in raising their children when, from my educated and
relatively enlightened perspective, I can see that they surely did. I can
easily see the good, moral, and kind young people that they raised, behind the
dreadful distortion of the disease that is affecting them and their minds.
I also see parents
become uncertain and question their best efforts in raising their children.
Some get inwardly angry, for no good reason, because they think that they
could/should have done “better" - and that is hurting them as well as their
addicted children, and probably the entire family, quite a lot.
I have you
to thank for my ability to recognize all of this, and to therefore be
empathetic to it. I have seen the pain and suffering of addiction so many
times and from so many different perspectives, but I didn’t really intuitively
“feel” the truth of the words, “it is a family disease”, until I
understood, and ultimately heard your voice.
The way I
tended to interpret the “family disease” thing was more along the lines
that the CAUSES of addiction originate within family dysfunction in many cases,
as well as that the affected person inflicts suffering on the family due to the
behaviour and personality changes that are caused by the addiction. What
I didn’t clue into right away was the truth that the suffering on a parent who
has a child with addiction can have nothing to do with either of those things.
The suffering perhaps may be more due to the loss of confidence of
something you really used to believe in: That your love, support, and
unceasing devotion to your children could still not have provided them with
something that you thought it should have: protection from their own so
called “choices”.
This is one
of the many things that now really bugs me about the stigmatization of
addiction - that many other people inherently judge the parent of an
addict as having “screwed up” somehow (as well as judging the addict as lacking
in “morality”). I didn’t even realize that I was passively buying into
the former element of stigma myself until you opened my eyes!
I get tired
of hearing that addicts have made bad “choices”. None of us “choose” our
DNA. The choice to “try” drugs is hardly a choice, if you consider the
relevance of brain development, mood and anxiety disorders, peer and societal
influences, and the underlying desire to fit in that every single adolescent
has to negotiate on their way to adulthood.
You were
brave enough to eventually stand up and say, “You know what? My husband
and I did the absolute best that we could have done as parents, I loved my kids
as much as I possibly could, and I believe that my children know that…and by
the way, my son IS the product of a stable and loving home, and he IS a loveable
human being that you people should be treating with the value and respect that
he deserves,” yet you managed to say it without being strident, sensitively,
but insistently. Your voice is special, and I hope you know that.
Your words
really moved me when I heard you talk in front of all the parents the night of
the panel presentation on addiction at the school. I could see how
terrifying and frustrating it must have been for you, and how utterly powerless
you must have felt, to have your lovely boy “stolen” from you. I’m glad
you were somehow able to keep the faith alive in you that he was still “in
there”, even when it must have been really hard to see. I’m also glad
that you had enough faith and confidence in yourself to not let anyone run over
you by buying into the mistaken belief that you had done anything “wrong”.
You and most
parents do the best that they can, and love their kids as much as they can, and
make very few “pivotal” mistakes that make any great difference in what happens
to their kids. Some people who have the disease of addiction may be born
into families suffering poverty, addiction, and violence, and their risks are
relatively higher, but a LOT of people who suffer addiction do not have any
huge environmental risk factors, and that this is more common within the
current epidemic of opiate addiction than it ever has been before. Good
kids from healthy families who have been loved, empathized with, and supported
still end up with addiction. What I have definitely observed is that
these kids often have better long term OUTCOMES than the ones who did not have
good environments. They are more resilient, the damage is less severe, and the
support is more likely to remain consistent, and the patients are more willing
to accept the support. It is not all for nothing, is it?
The truth of
addiction recovery is that it takes time, it is exhausting to keep on caring
and to stay supportive, and that at times it seems impossible to keep on going,
and to believe that hope exists... but that it is definitely WORTH IT to keep
on trying, and that the rewards of doing all the hard work are often not what
you were expecting at all… because they are SO MUCH MORE than you had ever
hoped for in the first place. We are somehow “perfected" by the process
of “breaking” and eventually healing, and that certain joys can only be formed
by the suffering that “sculpts” our souls as we endure.
I have heard
that the light often shines brighter through the cracks.
Here’s to
keeping on hoping and caring,
Dr. Denise
Lea
