Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Gut-wrenching pain

Addiction is a family disease where every member is impacted in one way or another. The pain is gut-wrenching and sometimes you simply lose hope, temporarily. But, somehow, in all of the pain and chaos, you find the strength to carry on another day.

Today, I am sharing posts from other mothers who are praying that their children make it out of this nightmare alive. Sadly, love and prayers were not enough to save some of the children, and they didn’t make it (I could not imagine!!!). Through their words, these moms express their hopes, their fears, and their pain. Their emotions are very raw and truly reflect the day to day struggles that we face as parents of individuals battling addiction.  

You will also hear from a very brave boy whose mother and father are both battling addiction.

They have all given me permission to share their posts with you.

Yesterday, I lost my son. He drowned. He told the treatment facility he wasn’t ready to leave. They discharged him anyway. Don’t know if he was high or not. I don’t care. I just want my son back. My heart is so heavy. ~ Sarah 

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. I have had enough!!!! I honestly can't take anymore!! I hate drugs and I hate this life and I am all done with it!! I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore!! Son # two has been lying to me. He is still actively shooting heroin!! I am soooo beyond repair! ~Brenda

My son is in treatment. I'm so very proud of him but I do have some concerns, of course. I'm the mom that's just so BURNT! Anyway, today he said something to me that literally crushed me. It was so powerful. He said, ‘Mom, I'm doing okay but I really wish I had CANCER where I could get chemo and radiation, and then I’ll either get better or die. At least with cancer you have a chance at getting better. Our disease NEVER GOES AWAY. We can only try to tame it. One day at a time!’ I found so much sadness in these words. Here he is in an active program and that's how he feels. I pray that he feels serene at some point in his journey because I fear if he doesn't, why would he want to stay clean? I'm praying for strength for my boy.  Would you mind lifting him up in your prayers tonight? Thank you and so much love to all. ~Jessica

Have been on this roller coaster ride for 4 years and I want off. I want my son back. I want my life back. I can't remember what it feels like to be truly happy.~Tracey

So yesterday was a day of enough. Enough with empty promises and lies. Eight weeks from sober living and nothing good. Empty promises.. yelling .. being called every name in the book when I told him he was leaving! I got him a motel room. Drove him there in tears. We cried and I heard more lies. I drove home in tears! He texted me. You ok? You get home ok?.. yes and yes.. I love you... I love you too.. more tears... I hate this disease. I hate what I had to do. I hate the devil that keeps taking my son from me. I want that boy back who was in recovery for those 4 months! I hate drugs and alcohol! ~Gemma

Wonder if the day will ever come that I will just stop crying! ~Ally

I feel like such a total failure. One beautiful daughter dead from addiction. My son an alcoholic and pill addict. Why did GOD let me have kids if this is the way it would turn out? My heart ripped out and bleeding. Raising my daughter’s three beautiful little ones. What assurance do I have that this won't get frigged up too???? I am sad, tired, and always afraid to hope. Put on the act for everyone around me. I feel like the most pathetic loser in the world. Every breath I had went into raising my kids. I have plenty of online support, been in counseling for 4 yrs. As hypocritical as it sounds, I am a believer, and have such strong faith. Stood on GOD's promises. I don't blame GOD. I am so damn lost, but still have to put every ounce of loving energy into my grandchildren. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. You are the only ones I can be completely honest with. GOD help us all. ~Pearlene

Help me breathe, please help me breathe! I cannot take another second of this madness! GOD, PLEASE HELP ME!! ~Tanya

 My heart is heavy. On the way home tonight, my 11-year-old grandson said, ‘Nana, I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be really honest.’ I knew it was going to be a deep one. He said, ‘Nana, when my dad gets out of jail, if he starts using again, what are you going to do? Being in jail does not count as being clean. When he gets out what if he is lying and starts again on the drugs??’ I told my grandson that I have already told his dad that this is it. I can’t do this anymore. That if he goes back, I will have to cut him out of our lives. My grandson said, ‘That is what you need to do but can you do it?? I can do it because he has never been a real dad to me. But I know how hard it would be to cut out your kid. But Nana, if you don't, he is killing you.’ All I could say is that I would pray on this and hope it never comes to having to make that decision. But how the heck does an 11-year-old get this smart??? ~Nana

This amazing grandson also shared his story publicly in front of 300 strangers, including judges, lawyers and parents. He even wrote the speech himself! Pretty amazing. The pastor said a prayer with him beforehand, which calmed his nerves. He did a wonderful job. Here is the video on You Tube (Dare Challenge Speech) . Grab a tissue.

Please pray for the families who have been impacted by addiction: a disease that comes with very little help, and very little family and/or public support. Most people suffer in silence in their daily lives, reaching out only to strangers online. Crippled with fear of how their family will be judged. These strangers provide a lifeline because they understand. They are living the nightmare, too.

If we ever hope to save today's generation and prevent others from going down this path, we have to become a compassionate society who cares, even though we may not fully understand the cold, cruel disease of addiction.



  1. Thanks for these stories. Addiction is the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life so far my first had completed a rehab program over 5 years ago and doing great my second son wasn't as lucky and ended up being sent to jail for thefts he had done due to his addiction. That was after numerous times of in and out of detox and being turned away many times from hospital asking for help. Sad to say but at least he is now clean . God bless all families going through this

    1. It is a VERY difficult journey. So glad the your first son has found recovery. I pray that your other son will stay on track when he gets.out.

  2. It is a Parents worse nightmare.We have all felt these raw emotions,and our greatest fear is losing our children.As Parents we must look after ourselves somehow..whether it is seeking Counseling..reaching out to another parent going thro the same thing,God,NA,AA.Find something that will help YOU. If you don't then Addiction will pull you down with it!! This is not our fault !! Addiction is a disease..Once you stop blaming yourself..the healing can begin..You will see Addiction as the nasty cunning disease it is and it steals our children.. When they are actively is not our is the disease talking..acting..I started healing when I reached out to Rose and started learning,fighting for better treatment,blogging,It was then I was able to support,not enable my son with love & understanding..Not guilt and anger :) None of you are alone,xo
    P.S. I still have my dark days,but unlike before,I am able to climb out!!

    1. Well said, Mamma P! I, too, began to heal when I reached out to other parents who truly understood because they were living the nightmare too. Keep up all of your great work in raising awareness. Every voice counts and every voice makes a difference.


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